Draco's Not Allowed
by Emerald Solstice
Summary: Harry has been receiving numerous complaints from everyone about his wayward errant boyfriend. A retelling by Harry Potter of things Draco Malfoy is Not Allowed to Do and yet, He Did, thus creating chaos and havoc for certain people. #19. Give sex education classes to First Years by letting them watch porn and ask Harry Potter if he could help him with a live demonstration. HPDM.
1. Draco's Not Allowed List

**Disclaimer:** All of the HP characters belong to Ms. Rowling; if they were mine they wouldn't be doing half the things they did in the books.

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**Things Draco Malfoy Is Not Allowed To Do**

**By: Harry James Potter**

1. Convince the First Years that it's a requirement for them to hug Professor Snape and pet Professor McGonagall in her animagus form during their first day of classes or else they will fail both classes.

2. Yell out goodnight to Harry Potter in the Great Hall and tell him hat's he's expecting him to slyther-in his 'chamber of secrets' tonight or else he will leave him with a very painful sorcerer's stone for a week.

3. Tell other people that Harry Potter has a very nice 9 and ¾ 'wand' and it's only his.

4. Call members of the three other houses as Gryffinwhores, Ravenhoes and Hufflepussies.

5. Tell his overprotective father that he's pregnant with Harry Potter's children.

6. Set Dumbledore's beard on fire just because he didn't approve of his new uniform suggestion for male students (tight black leather pants and white wife beater top).

7. Tell Ron that Aragog's mate just laid eggs inside Hogwarts.

8. Leave Professor McGonagall stuck in her animagus form on top of a tree.

9. Ask the House Elves to carry him around in a throne just to spite Hermione.

10. Tell the First Years that Hagrid sacrifices people…small ones to Aragog.

11. Hum the tune from Charlie's Angels every time the Golden Trio passes by.

12. Refer to Professors Dumbledore, Flitwick and McGonagall as the 'Olden Trio'.

13. Call the First Years 'hobbits' and tell them that the fate of the Wizarding World lies in their hands; they have to sacrifice themselves in the Black Lake.

14. Tell the First Years that Professor Lupin ate Little Red Hood and that they may be next.

15. Turn up to breakfast wearing tight pants that has a "Potter was here" sticker at the back.

16. Attempt to catch the Giant Squid just because he feels like having a Calamari Party.

17. Spank and grope Harry Potter's ass in public and tell him that the voices inside his head commands him to.

18. Spread Rated R wizarding pictures of Professor Snape and Sirius Black.

19. Give sex education classes to First Years by letting them watch porn and ask Harry Potter if he could help him with a live demonstration.

20. Charm all of Harry Potter's clothes invisible.

21. Send dead rats to Professor McGonagall just because she's a cat animagus.

22. Tell Madam Pomfrey that Harry Potter made his ass hurt.

23. Hex Sirius Black to sing "Sexy back" while giving Professor Snape a lap dance in the Great Hall.

24. Pretend to have amnesia and act like a toddler.

25. Block every door Harry Potter has to use and demand a kiss from him to let him pass through.

26. Tell Blaise Zabini that Ron Weasley, whom he fancies, has always wanted to have his very own pet spider.

27. Give Neville Longbottom marijuana to plant in the room of requirements and tell him that the plant makes people happy.

28. Disguise Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Bean into Professor Dumbledore's favorite Lemon Drops.

29. Spread rumors that Ginny Weasley is really a guy.

30. Send an anonymous letter to Cho Chang saying that Cedric is still alive and lives in Forks, Washington, USA with his new girlfriend Bella Swan.

31. Tell Hagrid that the Goblins are keeping a couple of poor misunderstood dragons that needs to be saved underneath Gringotts.

32. Convince Mr. Filch that Mrs. Norris is actually Professor McGonagall's sister that is stuck in her animagus form.

33. Dress up as the Grim Reaper for Halloween and visit St. Mungo's and tell people "It's time."

34. Distribute packets of condom to First Years and tell them that those are balloons that are to be inflated by them for his party.

35. Assure Arthur Weasley that phone sex is a socially acceptable muggle tradition of getting to know people.

36. Send Molly Weasley an anonymous letter saying that her husband is cheating on her with a muggle.

37. Demand his parents to make a baby or else he'll make a baby himself with the help of Harry Potter.

38. Yell in the library that you wanna open Harry Potter wide like a book in the restricted section.

39. Ask Harry Potter in the Great Hall if he wants to go with him and make the Shrieking Shack really worthy of its name.

40. Tell everyone that it's not only Myrtle who moans a lot because he and Harry Potter can out-moan her.

41. Convince Gilderoy Lockhart that Sybill Trelawney is his wife and that he just forgot it.

42. Tell Luna Lovegood that Neville Longbottom needs her help to get the nargles out of his pants.

43. Transfigure Professor Snape's clothes into tight form fitting clothes and leave him tied up in the Potions Classroom for Sirius Black to have his wicked way with him.

44. Convince the First Years that Pokemons are real and that they can be found in the Forbidden forest and in the Black Lake.

45. Tell Dumbledore that Dragon Balls are real and that he could wish for inter-house unity, endless supply of Lemon Drops and lots of new socks using the Dragon Balls.

46. Host a film showing for First Years and let them watch "The Conjuring" film all by themselves and later on warn them to watch out for the leg pulling and other strange things that might happen to them.

47. Ask Harry Potter in front of the First Years if he wants to whomp his willow.

48. Handcuff Harry Potter to him using magic-resistant handcuffs and hide the small key in Ron's food and allow said small key to be swallowed by Ron.

49. Spread rumors that Professor Snape is actually a vampire.

* * *

Harry has been receiving numerous complaints from everyone about his wayward errant boyfriend. He had just finished listing the recent things his boyfriend did when the said blonde sauntered into the deserted Gryffindor common room and plopped down beside him.

"Whatcha doin' Harry?" the seemingly angelic blonde asked him.

"Oh just pondering on how much chaos and havoc you could make." He replied.

"Me? Make chaos and havoc?" the blonde feigned innocence as he leaned into the raven haired boy.

"Yes. You, my errant love, are somewhat acting like Eris." Harry said as he pulled Draco on his lap. "Might I remind you of the things you recently did? The troubles you have caused. And the numerous complaints I'm receiving."

"Eh? I seem to have forgotten. So please remind me, oh-all-knowing-one." The blonde said as he cuddled with his boyfriend.

And so it begins, with Harry retelling every single one of the things that Draco is not allowed to do and yet, he did, thus creating chaos and havoc for certain people, just to remind the blonde and explain to him why in the world he's not allowed to do those things.

And Draco? Well, he's very much eager to create more chaos and havoc.

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Well, there you go folks. I really enjoyed making this list, unfortunately, my mind only supplied 48 things that Draco is not allowed to do. Shall I follow the list chronologically? Or just write randomly based on reader's votes? You can vote on which one on the list I should write about.

Comments and suggestions are welcome. Tell me what you think. Leave a review.~


	2. Item number 1

**Disclaimer:** All of the HP characters belong to Ms. Rowling; if they were mine they wouldn't be doing half the things they did in the books.

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_#1 Convince the First Years that it's a requirement for them to hug Professor Snape and pet Professor McGonagall in her animagus form during their first day of classes or else they will fail both classes._

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"I'm telling you Ron, Harry is really a good influence to him." Hermione said as she tried her best to convince her redheaded friend to see that Draco Malfoy has really changed after the war and having Harry with the blonde is a good thing.

"But Hermione...he's Malfoy. You know the git from our First Year? Dumbledore definitely lost his marbles when he decided to make him Head Boy and ask Malfoy senior to teach this year for Wizarding Customs, Traditions and Etiquette." Ron whined as he distractedly tried to fix his tie that seem to be uncooperative that early morning.

"Honestly Ronald, grow up. He grew up a bit. It's your turn. There's goodness in Malfoy, he and his family wouldn't have helped in the war and stake their lives, if there aren't any goodness in him, in them, you know. Like Harry has said, they, along with Snape and the others were just the same as us, who became pawns of the war. So give them a second chance. Give him a second chance Ron. Like how Harry did. Like how Dumbledore did. Like how I did. Like how your family did. Like how the others did." The girl insisted as she lectured him.

The freckled boy remembered how his parents formed a somewhat weird friendship with the elder Malfoys after the war, how his twin prankster brothers easily struck up friendship with the younger Malfoy, how his brother Percy now works for one of Malfoy senior's business, how the Malfoys offered their lavish garden as a reception area for Bill and Fleur's second wedding, how Charlie is managing a sanctuary for dragon's funded by Malfoy's family and Harry, how Hermione is welcomed to use the extensive collection of books from the Malfoy library, how he is welcomed to eat as much as he wants whenever he visit Harry, who practically lives in Malfoy Manor, how Malfoy junior tries his best not to insult and bait him, and how Dumbledore accepted the Malfoys change of alliance and with that, he felt something akin to embarrassment and guilt that he can't bury the hatchet when the others can.

"Listen; during our first meeting with the year prefects along with Professor Dumbledore, he even supported my proposal to form a welcoming and support committee for the First Years to basically help them adjust with their daily lives here, to be aware of the rules and to promote inter-house unity." The auburn haired witch continued to talk.

She then noticed that the redheaded boy she was talking to stopped walking, and was now drawn towards the direction of Malfoy who's currently leading this year's small group of Firsties from all the four houses. The blonde seemed to be holding like an educational tour of some sort as he keenly talked to the little ones who appear to hang onto his every word. Heck, some are even writing down what he's saying while some simply chose to listen to him intently.

"Ehhh? Blimey, looks like Malfoy's serious about helping the firsties and promoting inter-house unity." Ron admitted as the small group neared them and overheard the blonde Head Boy advice the younger ones to "pay close attention to Professor McGonagall's and Professor Snape's classes and ensure that they have read a bit because the two will ask them random questions to test them."

The muggleborn Head Girl nodded a small greeting to the blonde, who nodded his greeting in turn, and the group of First Years, who greeted her back enthusiastically, as they passed by them.

"I knew you'd see it my way somehow. Anyway, I'm quite excited for tomorrow, it's my turn to chaperone and assist the small group of First years we now have." She said as she turned back to her friend who seemed to be in awe as they proceeded to walk to the Great Hall for breakfast, where they once again saw the blonde Head Boy as he talked about the enchanted ceiling while leading them towards their respective tables.

The two proceeded to take their seats at the Gryffindor table to eat their breakfast. Ron was loading up his plate when he looked up and saw Harry entering the Great Hall accompanied by one Blaise Zabini and one Theodore Nott and they seem to head towards them.

"Good Morning, you two." The emerald eyed young man greeted as he sat opposite them. "You don't mind them seating here, don't you?" he slyly added as he motioned to the two Slytherins, who then sat on Harry's right side and greeted the Gryffindor pair across them.

"Pansy's on a rampage because I didn't do something, I apparently should've done as her boyfriend. I dunno what though so I'm staying away until she calmed down." Theo explained as he grabbed a glass of pumpkin juice.

"I wanted a change of scenery and I felt drawn here." The other Slytherin simply said as he grabbed the pitcher of milk that Ron absentmindedly took hold at the same time as well, causing their hands to touch and the pitcher of milk to spill. Ron's face immediately turned red at that. The redhead mumbled an apology while Blaise grabbed his wand and Evanasco'd the mess and gave Ron his handkerchief to wipe his now wet hand. Ron meekly took the handkerchief and mumbled a 'thanks' as his face got redder and redder. At that, Hermione grinned at Harry and Theo, who smirked in return at her. They dug into their respective breakfast choices (as normally and unsavagely as he could in the blushing tomato a.k.a. Ron's case), when Harry noticed something amiss.

"Has anyone seen my blonde bundle of joy and chaos?" Harry asked them as he set aside a breakfast plate loaded with the blonde's favorites: pancakes, bacon, eggs, peaches and cream.

The two Slytherins beside him shrugged their shoulders.

"He has his own room as Head Boy so I have no idea whether he already left his room or he's still preening in front of the mirror." The olive-skinned Italian Slytherin said while taking small bites off of his sandwich, as he watched the now self-conscious redhead eating across him.

"He got up earlier than I did." Harry idly said as he prodded the eggs on his plate while Hermione forked a few galleons to Ron, who mouthed an "I told you so" to her.

"Oh, I see." The now amused Ron said while Hermione grumbled something like "I should've known…"

"Anyway, we saw him earlier. He's with the Firsties. He's seriously participating in Hermione's pet project to help the Firsties…" The redhead babbled as he noticed Blaise's heated gaze on him

"He looked like he was enthusiastically holding a tour and the First years seem to be so excited and they paid a lot of attention to him." Hermione added.

Just then, the topic of their conversation sauntered over to where they are at and plopped himself on Harry's left side. He pecked the Gryffindor's lips and then the kiss turned into a heated battle of dominance that was later on by Harry who mercilessly plundered the smaller man's mouth. Their hands kept exploring each other as they kissed and they wouldn't have stopped if only their friends didn't remind them that they were in the Great Hall and that Professor Malfoy is glaring murderously at Harry.

Draco whined at the loss of contact and pouted petulantly towards his father who's seated at the Head Table, along with the other Professors. Harry on the other hand, audibly gulped and avoided Lucius Malfoy's glare. Their friends chuckled at that.

"To think that Potter, here, battled it out and took down the Dark Lord and yet he's afraid of a reformed Death Eater." Theo said as he finished eating the contents of his plate.

"…he's not just a reformed Death Eater, he's also my boyfriend's father…his overprotective father." Harry mumbled.

"I feel for you, Potter and I wish you luck with that." Blaise mockingly patted him.

Harry hastily excused himself as he stood and briefly kissed Draco on his cheek and told him that he'll see him in their first class, Charms and that he has to do something that he forgot. He bolted out of the Great Hall as if the hellhounds are after him.

"What's gotten into him?" Ron said as he nibbled on his apple.

"It appears that he's running away from something." Blaise drawled as he stared at the Harry-like blur, which zoomed out of the Great Hall.

Hermione and Theo simply pointed to the direction where Professor Malfoy stood.

On the other hand, Draco tried his best to finish off his breakfast, muttering about scaredy boyfriends and idiotic fathers in between bites.

* * *

After breakfast, Draco resumed his duties with the small group of First years; he gathered them all so he could drop them off their classes: the Gryffindor-Slytherin group for Potions and the Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff for Transfiguration.

Since the route towards the dungeons where the Potions Classroom is located, he decided to head there first. The Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff group still joined them so it would be easier for them to find the said classroom later, seeing as the Potions Classroom is more difficult to locate compared to the Transfiguration Classroom.

"Oh right, before I forget, I know I shouldn't tell you this…" the blonde Head Boy began as he turned to look at the group who stopped walking and is now curiously staring at him. "This has been a secret ever since to first years but I'm concerned for you guys. I don't want you to fail and leave Hogwarts." He said to the group as he schooled his face to show utmost concern.

"What is it Mr. Malfoy?" one of them timidly asked.

"We promise to keep it a secret." Another one said while the rest nodded their agreement to that.

"I don't want to get kicked out of here…" one at the back said.

"Please tell us…" a few girls begged.

"It has been a custom here to hug Professor Snape and pet Professor McGonagall in her animagus form during your first day of classes. And it has been believed that anyone else who fails to do so will fail both classes." Draco seriously said as he then turned his back them to proceed walking towards the Potions Classroom.

The young ones were left into their thoughts as they absentmindedly followed this year's Head Boy as they were led to their respective classrooms. The blonde Head Boy on the other hand, gave himself a mental pat, while maintaining his usual facade.

* * *

Gryffindor-Slytherin First Year Class…

Severus Snape, Head of Sytherin House, ex-death eater spy and war hero, the snarky Potions Master and resident greasy git of the dungeons was in his element. He clearly enjoys his beginning of the first year speech. The Gryffindor-Slytherin Class of eleven year olds cowered when he glared at them, they paid raptly attention to him and they all looked awestricken at his "brew fame and even put a stopper to death!" line.

After waving his wand at the board's direction, the nervous first years started avidly taking down the instruction for the simple potion base he planned them to begin the first class with. He swept down the first aisle to loom (ahem instill fear) on the students and that's when chaos started.

He caught a tiny redhead Gryffindor girl anxiously peeking glances at him so he raised his eyebrows in an attempt to scare her off. The child, mistaking it as an opening, stood up and walked to where he is situated and bravely put her arms around his midsection for a brief second, leaving the Potions Master shell-shocked.

After breaking out of the sheer shock from having a completely unfamiliar being get close to his person, the man viciously glared at the now cowering child, who is clearly relieved at the same time with the thought that she won't fail her classes.

"What deluded your puny brains -" He was about to hurl insults at the child and then dock points off the child when he felt two pairs of little arms embracing him quickly. And seeing as nobody was hexed yet or was met with a painful demise, the others followed suit, giving the dark haired man brief hugs.

"That's it!" was screamed and the three children who are currently hugging him immediately felt dread and fled in the back part of the room where the others, who have sensed the impending doom, have taken sanctuary.

"I don't have any inkling as to why your idiotic parents failed to recall teaching you, scoundrels, the thing about personal space and keeping your hands to yourself but you shan't get close to my being. And 500 points from both Gryffindor and Slytherin and detention to all of you for two weeks." The Head of Slytherin viciously stated as he glared at them all.

"Leave me be, runts!" He bellowed at them as he seethed in utter anger and discomfort the situation caused him. The children hurriedly left the classroom in fear of being hexed or turned into Potion Ingredients.

'_This must be a prank. No first year would think on doing this out of their own volition. The question now is who caused this…Black? The Weasley twin miscreants, who are now here? Potter? The old coot?' _the Potions Master pondered as he sat in front of his desk.

* * *

Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff First Year Class…

Something along the same line happened to the stern Transfigurations Mistress, Head of Gryffindor and resident cat animagus.

Class started with her in her proud animagus form atop her desk, to observe those who will be coming in late and those who will be fooling around. Surprisingly, nobody came in late, seeing as the Head Boy delivered the small group of First Years to her classroom.

She was about to turn back into her human self, when she found herself surrounded by the students and one of them hauled her animagus form into their arms, while the other cooed and petted her. When she found herself unceremoniously dropped on the ground, she immediately turned back into her human self. She was about to placate them about their sheer foolhardiness when a chubby child tackled her onto the ground as she was briefly hugged and the other swarmed her as well, hugging or patting her, leaving her ruffled and highly annoyed.

"Out! All of you, out!" was screeched with a feline-like ferocity. "Have you have no respect to your Professors?! 500 points from both of your houses and detention for all of you for the rest of the month." The Scottish Witch hollered as she grabbed her wand while the students scrambled out of their seats, as they rushed towards the door. Some students who weren't fast enough to run out of the room, found themselves equipped with extra animal appendages and features.

* * *

Meanwhile…

Draco Malfoy can be seen strolling giddily into the corridors as he excused himself to go out of Charms Class to go to the loo...the one which is a few corridors away. Nobody would mind anyway, everyone knows it takes him a long while to get out of the loo, what with him being meticulous and prissy.

He knew by this time, both the Transfiguration and Potion Professors are at wit end. He looked around for signs of anything unusual when he heard a faint scream, followed by panicked voices and rustling. He wasn't disappointed when he spotted a couple of first years, running their little hinnies out of the opposite corridor, currently sporting antlers, elephant trunks, monkey tails, camel hooves and tentacles.

He amusingly smiled as he went to saunter back into his class.

Mission accomplished.

His last year here in Hogwarts will be something really unforgettable not just for him, but for everyone else as well.

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Well there you go folks, #1 on the list is done. Tell me what you think about it. Oh and what would you like to read next from the list? Leave a review. Until my next update, my lovelies. ~


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